Mewsings

san francisco is a fierce place to live
Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Did I ever tell you that if I could choose the way I would die it would be to be mauled by a big cat? Poor Tatiana..

Posted byKarma at Wednesday, December 26, 2007 0 comments  

Happy Christmas
Monday, December 24, 2007

Its amazing to think that one year ago I was in Devon, brokenhearted and grieving. Now I realize that the experience was one of the best things that happened to me, because it propelled me forward, as if the universe were shouting 'come on, there's so much more you can do with your life! You will have so many wonderful friends and family to help you on your journey!'

I am home with my parents for a couple of days for Christmas and I really appreciate being here, talking with my mother about my blood family, listening to my (adopted) dad,I really do admire his ability to remember everything, and his intelligence and curiosity about life and learning. When I talk to some of my close friends who's parents are no longer living or facing death, I really feel lucky to have my family. My brother and I are really getting to be great friends now that we are older - how great is that?

You all can have my wrapped packages under the iron christmas tree. I have been given so many gifts this year, I am full up.

Posted byKarma at Monday, December 24, 2007 0 comments  

Merry Christmas
Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Posted byKarma at Wednesday, December 19, 2007 0 comments  

a call for help
Saturday, December 8, 2007

I want to find my father, Stephen Kloetzer (b. 1950 or 1951 in Ventura). I don't know where or how. Everytime I have asked my mother over the years she has brought up the fact that he is 'a schizophrenic'. Or attacked herself for having no information, she thinks he has another child, and he has a sister. I am afraid always to ask her over the years, not wanting to upset her. I mention it to my adopted father. He offers to help, which I am touched by, but how do I ask him directly? I really have come to love my adopted father and understand him and forgive him for our struggles over the years. But pieces of my life puzzle are missing. My hairdresser told me I should 'go to the town in France where your grandmother was born and see how it feels. And it really stuck when he said this. My grandfather is/was German, maybe this is why I picked up the language so quickly. I always felt drawn towards Germany and France. Other friends tell me that this is something I have to do before I can sort the rest of my life out - like my lovelife for one. One psychic friend (it seems so many friends are) says maybe I don't need to meet him yet he is the one who speaks of the missing pieces to my puzzle, I know these pieces are missing, holding me back, from getting to the next stage of my life. I think, I can do this on my own - I have encouragement from friends. I try the internet. I find an address, go there, no one. I think at one point I may have found my grandfather's name (Walter?) I write a letter. Just before I post it I check the net again - whoever that person was, they died in 1982 (born in 1913). I am crushed. Are my natural paternal grandparents dead? Will I ever know where they came from? Can I somehow see my father? I want to know if I resemble him, what he is like. I feel so hopeless, I am so tired of being on my own, always being strong, positive. I am asking the universe to help me. I just cant do it on my own anymore.

Posted byKarma at Saturday, December 08, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: family

daddy

what good are my eyes if I cannot see him?
what good are my ears if I do not listen deeply enough?
what good is this heart if it sighs only for romance and does not know true love?
what good is this spirit, stubborn, broken, trying and failing, falling, fallen.

Posted byKarma at Saturday, December 08, 2007 0 comments  

secret-ed beliefs
Friday, November 23, 2007

In the next year I will
~ be working in an environment where I believe that I have no stress and tons of fun
~ feel I make a difference and am fantastically well paid
~ be juggling my timetable to fit in seeing all of my friends and loved ones
~ be singing in an environment that gives me great joy and connects me spiritually
~ feel a grounded and spiritually nurturing connection with a group
~ let go and feel healed and forgiving

Posted byKarma at Friday, November 23, 2007 0 comments  

household shopping
Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Bought today for new apartment:
13" skillet
Spatula
Set of 4 champagne flutes
Single red wine glass (they only had one of the one I liked)
Wooden spoon (bamboo wood)
Sustainable bamboo wood cutting board (acutally bought it yesterday but wanted to mention that I am trying to buy ethically produced goods)
Cafe Paris teacup and two saucers to complete newly bought set of dishes
Mushroom brush and mushroom slicer

Posted byKarma at Tuesday, November 20, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: home

Thanks Guys!
Saturday, November 17, 2007

for completely hooking me up! I am now living in the most amazing little cottage, in the heart of Gourmet Ghetto, Berkeley. Foodie's paradise - my fridge is full of organic veg and fruit from the Thursday farmers market (the whole market is organic), Andronicos and Elephant Pharm and the corner market for staples (there is also a Safeway but I would rather spend more and eat better) there are at least 3 serious coffeehouses within 5 minutes walk (only one is a chain - Peets - but a good chain), a juice collective, a cheeseboard collective, an authentic jewish deli, oh, and a european wine store 3 doors down - I have to stop now - I won't even start on the restaurants yet...
The only drawback so far is the tummyache in the middle of the night lately from overeating - I just get too excited and want to try everything right away!

Posted byKarma at Saturday, November 17, 2007 0 comments  

when waiting is the hardest choice
Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Thanks to Yannick for this inspiring quote, from Meditations for Women, http://www.meditationsforwomen.com/dailys/464879.html

Are you facing a difficult time in your life?
Give yourself the gift of patience.
Patience is the main ingredient necessary to get through difficult times.
Yes, its hard to be patient! But without patience, you would have no hope.
And if the universe was organized so that your desires materialized instantly,
that wouldn't serve you either.
Patience helps you grow.
It nourishes both compassion and empathy.
So embrace patience - ultimately it makes you stronger.

Posted byKarma at Wednesday, November 07, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: changes

Happy Halloween
Friday, November 2, 2007

Posted byKarma at Friday, November 02, 2007 1 comments  

wildfires
Sunday, October 21, 2007

Posted byKarma at Sunday, October 21, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: home

http://www.elephantpharm.com/. Check 'em out. I start working in the Berkeley store on 30th October. Berkeley is the 'Covent Garden' of the company (NYR peeps know what I'm sayin' - for non NYR peeps, Berkeley is the 'mothership' of the company) except they are 20 times bigger. Seriously folks, America is a BIG country. It will take me a lifetime to try every healthy/alternative/organic product. Heaven.

I'd like to live walking distance from work - this area of Berkeley is actually called Gourmet Ghetto. And I will happily donate a fair portion of my income to this foodie's paradise. There is an organic farmer's market every Thursday, in addition to every amazing restaurant and specialty food shop you could imagine. Today I had caramalized onion, pear, and blue cheese pizza at cheeseboard, while listening to a fantastic live jazz trio (free live jazz every day).

Have I sold it to all of you already? Play the visa lottery and come live here, we could build a big commune!

Seriously, I don't care that rent has quadrupled since I lived here. I believe. And I lived just 6 blocks from this area years ago, so the squirrels remember me and they will fix me up.

Posted byKarma at Thursday, October 18, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: new job

back home?
Sunday, October 7, 2007

Tonight I watched the first 3 episodes of season 1 (new series) of Dr Who with my family. I knew my dad would love it. My awesome friend Kenneth turned me on to Dr Who (I am in California now Kenneth, so I get to use words like awesome).
I feel a bit like the character Rose in the first few episodes, sort of :

Where the hell am I?
But, hey, this is exciting, I love adventure!
Who knows what is around the corner? should I be worried?
No! I am not afraid! I am brave! Carpe diem!
But I am homesick! wait... I am home?!? wait... where am I?'

Posted byKarma at Sunday, October 07, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: home

chocolate chip cookies ARE good for the soul
Saturday, July 14, 2007

I came home from work last night and made chocolate chip cookies for dinner. I was of course pretty wired from the sugar, which was great because it helped me with my packing (I am moving to house sit at a friends in a few weeks) and getting rid of things (I am moving back to CALIFORNIA in October) and was a lovely chocolate hug 'you can do it girl!' I did a nice colour meditation before bed, fell asleep around 1230am, woke with a full spinning head around 630am but thought, 'its ok if I don't fall back asleep, but I would like to, and to have nice dreams'. I did fall back asleep, and dreamt I was at my parent's house, petting their lovely cats and kittens!

I woke up sleepy, with a smile on my face. I am now eating my porridge (porridge, like broccoli, absolves one of all food sins, nourishes nerves, high in B vits, great for High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, stress, balances blood sugar levels, will even hoover your carpet and dust your furniture if you ask it politely).

Its grey and warm, I think the sun will come out in the afternoon!

Posted byKarma at Saturday, July 14, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: indulgence

post holiday blah
Thursday, June 14, 2007

It is so hard to come back to reality. I am currently rewarding myself for all my completed tasks with fresh brewed ginger ice tea and organic lemon biscuits.

Completed:

1. Read and replied to post. Takes up to 6 months.
2. Rearranged furniture and cleaned room (my usual coping mechanism, completed before task #1)
3. Opened, filed and organised post
4. Did 2 loads of laundry
   

Became Frustrated with:
Nero 7 trial. Downloaded it in hopes of being able to make CDs. A simple task, I would think, but I am stuck. All I want to do is save a bunch of my CDs to my hard drive, with the names of the individual songs listed, so I can later go to 'my music', pick songs and make compilation CDs. Tried using Windows media player and Nero and got totally confused, felt like a computer idiot.

Recovered a bit with:
Updating and adding a bunch of my favourite pages to my blog. It really was only simple cut and paste into the HTML, but it made me feel better!

Looking forward to:
Dancing tonight at Thames Rowing Club!

Posted byKarma at Thursday, June 14, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: blah

felicite
Monday, June 11, 2007

A gourmet day:

Listening to the passion and enthusiasm of the owner of Chateau Joliet as he described the alchemy of wine making - did you know they use fire and water to shape the wine barrels?

Discovering a grape variety I had never heard of - Negrette - dark ruby, floral, smooth.

A visit to the midaevil village Cordes Sur Ciel.

A superb dinner on the terrace of Bistrot Tonin'ty, under a 300 year-old wisteria.

Roasted rack of lamb with lavender, thyme, garlic, courgette and carrot flan.

Rognon de veau flambé au Cognac sauce moutarde à l'ancienne, garniture printanière.

Tarte fine aux pommes, compotée de rhubarbe et glace cannelle.

Mi-cuit au chocolat et glace pain d'épices.

The cinnamon and gingerbread ice creams were so incredible we asked for a second helping.

French coffee, noir, a perfectly smooth taste of bitter.

An evening stroll through the cobbled streets.

the quiet peace, the heat and the sensuality of the evening.

Posted byKarma at Monday, June 11, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: epicurious

je suis pompette
Saturday, June 2, 2007

Right. Was out with a sweet friend Lin, at a lovely wine bar. Only three glasses (plus a few sips of tasting)... what a light weight, no?

Super evening, talking, catching up... reminiscing about the lovely weekend in Montpellier and so looking forward to Toulouse next week. Funny, never thought I'd be a Francophile, but then je suis arrive et instantement une 'fan'... (that is probably all not real French, no matter). I just loved the people, the way they thought about things, their courtesy (greet and kiss everyone in a group when you arrive), the food (aperitif, entree, course, vin, cafe), the history, the atmosphere... Why has so much architecture and art and history in France survived the war? Did they see that playing the game, eg, accepting the situation, however atrocious, served a longer term goal of preserving art, culture, buildings, history?

Just a tipsy question...

Posted byKarma at Saturday, June 02, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: culture

my cat
Sunday, May 13, 2007

When I get home to SF I am getting one of these. Orange and white stripeys are the coolest.

Posted byKarma at Sunday, May 13, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: cats

get me outta here now
Saturday, May 5, 2007

What the hell am I doing in this country? After a boring day at work, where I was the only one to sell a 'bundle' (latest promo) half-heartedly at the end of the day, I decided to get a 'burrito' takeaway. Because my landlord (I live in a bed-sit/roommate type situation) is having colleagues/friends for dinner this evening, and I don't want to be in the kitchen. I really wanted to go out, but of course this is one evening everyone is busy, and I thought, great, I can hang out in my room, add some stuff to my MySpace page, watch a film, relax. I look in the phone book - 2 listings under 'Mexican', one I have been to and it was rubbish. So I go to the second place to pick up my 2 vegie burritos for £8.95 (yes, thats about $15). There are 2 containers. I open the top one, it is full of chips. Not tortilla chips, noooo, English chips, about a double order of McDonalds size fries.

"Excuse me, I didn't order these..."
"Oh, it comes with chips."
I hazard a request: "You wouldn't happen to have TORTILLA chips, would you?"
She looks at me, a bit confused. "No, sorry."

I tasted a few of the chips on my way home. Yup, just like McDonalds, tho less salt. I came home, parked and put the chips under my car to discard later (I don't want my bedroom smelling of chips), go upstairs and try the burritos. Two smallish flour tortillas, filled with what looks and tastes like a bland tomato based pasta sauce, with a few mange tout, carrots, tomato chunks, maybe a bit of onion. A couple of jalapenos dot the top of the burritos, along with more tomato sauce, and a glowing green tasteless avocado based creamy paste. (I skipped the cheese and sour'ed cream.) I put some plain yogurt on it, and ate it quickly.

This tragic experience is spurring me to move now. Why the hell wait till the Autumn? The only real joy right now is dancing, and seeing friends. And I have both in SF.

Posted byKarma at Saturday, May 05, 2007 2 comments  

Labels: life

Broccoli is God
Monday, April 30, 2007

I have great faith in the ability of broccoli to absolve me from all food and drink sins. I went into the zone at Waitrose today, thinking of which veg to get to make mr broccoli really yummy. Oh, I succeeded. Foodie bliss.

• Your favourite breed of rice
• 1 biggish broccoli
• 1 butternut squash (I attacked it first with the bread knife, chopping it roughly because its so damn hard)
• 1/2 bulb garlic
• Red onion, also attacked with bread knife
  

Glug some decent olive oil over the veg (but not mr broccoli), and chuck it into a medium/high heat oven for about 45 mins. If you leave some of the outer dry bits on the red onion and break it apart a bit, the outer bits come out like chips, to be devoured immediately as they come out of the oven.

Take the veg out, chop it and mixed it all together while separately steaming the broccoli and boiling the rice.

Add 3 sprigs of fresh marjoram to the olive oil reserves in the veg pan, turn up the heat a bit and caramelize the marjoram.

Mix it all together and eat too much because it tastes so damn good.

Posted byKarma at Monday, April 30, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: epicurious

newsworthy
Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Ok. I am trying to read the news again. A bit at least, the important stuff.

Posted byKarma at Tuesday, April 24, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: news

an english spring
Thursday, April 19, 2007

April is a lovely month to be in the south of England. The greenhouse effect has particularly favoured us this month, it was hot enough on Monday to sunbathe (and I happened to have the day off), and the past couple of days have been sunny and pleasant.

The wisteria are not flowering yet, but the leaves and branches are climbing up my window. I have a view of the garden, and like to watch the fox sleeping just through the cut doorway in the hedge. There is large pile of brown grass which he sleeps on, encircled and head tucked in, and he blends in perfectly. As I savour my jasmine tea, he raises his head, yawns lazily, tucks his head back in.

Today I have a Gilbert and Sullivan performance with WWOS, singing about 6 arias and ensembles, and a bunch of chorus numbers from most of the G&S operas. My favourite, which I am singing for the first time, is the madrigal from Mikado. Should be fun.

Posted byKarma at Thursday, April 19, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: seasons

descent
Tuesday, April 10, 2007

my castle is crumbling. I am bereft, treading water,h esitant.
what of dance? my muse, tonight, she was aloof.
perhaps it is the venue - or is it england? the english?
too careful, too contained, too polite.
clawing my way into cat's corner, trying desperately to collect and store names, faces.
no, its ok, be business, make connections, set up a blues night, administrate, organise.
they will not love me more if I am a better dancer
would they even deserve it? most of them are simply skilled, clever.
I see very little light in the room
only my first lead, surely african and not english
sigh, perhaps I am overtired,
but I feel something is lacking here, in this place

Posted byKarma at Tuesday, April 10, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: changes

feet that dont touch the ground
Sunday, April 8, 2007

Wow. What an incredible holiday. I just love my family, I am so happy for them and excited about their interests and self growth. My friends in SF were generous, hospitable and lovely and I really enjoyed seeing them in their new environments - I find it fascinating that so many of my friends are going through major life changes.

I arrived back into London on Thursday, but don't feel back yet. Slept really well on the plane but haven't been sleeping regularly since, my head is spinning, hopping, jiving, tangoing, bluesing. I am learning so much about myself and making wonderful friends dancing!

When I was checking out all of the natural product stores in the bay area I put an application form in with a natural pharmacy, and had a very encouraging conversation with the head of personnel.

I could do it, you know. Move back to SF and have a great job and spend all my evenings dancing and seeing friends. The Lindy hop scene seems better here in London, but SF is the place for blues. Lindy is pure joy, Blues is pure passion. How lucky I am to have discovered both.

Posted byKarma at Sunday, April 08, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: changes

holiday or home
Thursday, March 29, 2007

First day in San Francisco. I drove straight to Golden Gate Park and walked around 'my' old haunt, the North Lake. I felt so alive, energised. I wondered if I would be similarly inspired by the sea, and was a bit disappointed, but proud to admit that my hometown Ventura has one of the best beaches (sand, surf, views, not thronged by tourists, don't need to be a movie star to afford to lie on them) in the world.

Walked through Lindley Meadow among the groves of Eucalyptus, Fir and Pine, then sat for a while with my back against a Red Cedar, contemplating my future. What should I do? Should I move back? Could I do it? It scares me, the change. I sought refuge in the tiny health food shops along Fillmore street, looking at the lotions, the aromatherapy oils, all so familiar now, and yet different. I started writing down the names of 'our competitors', wanting to return to NYR and say, 'send me back to SF now, I will find our new store and set it up for you.'

My two friends here are from my past, the world of western medicine, drugs for everything, doctors. One has gone the traditional job, marriage, kids route. The other I see tomorrow - still very much a city girl, I believe. Where would I fit? My friend's father reminded me of it yesterday 'You have a variety of accents'. I want to speak with my own voice, and I think I am finding it, albeit slowly.

I wish I knew where I would be in a year. But for now, I will try to remind myself that I am on holiday, and here to have fun!

Posted byKarma at Thursday, March 29, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: home

arg nit state of mind
Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Going home to California tomorrow. I still call it 'home' although I have lived in the UK for nearly 8 years now. I wonder if it will still feel like 'home'? I haven't been there since 2004, and lots of things have changed since then.

I was just looking over my old blogs, and saw a post from October of last year, the 7 year anniversary of my coming to the UK to live. I reasoned then that I would probably rather live in California, and at that time I felt eager to move back. So many things have changed since then, and I am happy to be learning about myself, building friendships here, sometimes struggling but also having fun and dancing!

I have booked to go to my first dance camp in Montpellier, by myself (!) in May, and I may go to Sweden and Prague in the summer as well. I am partly compelled by this 'if I am moving back, I must see all of the places in Europe I wanted to see', isn't this is a great way to live? To make the most of where I am now...

Posted byKarma at Wednesday, March 21, 2007 2 comments  

Labels: home

musical genius
Thursday, March 15, 2007

A friend sent me this link which really made my day. Enjoy.

Posted byKarma at Thursday, March 15, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: fun

my hands smell like carpet shampoo
Monday, February 26, 2007

I am moving on Wednesday, leap year. Grandpa would have turned 96, had he lived two more years. He had 'good innings', still I really miss him. He was so cool. When he was around 90 he was getting out of his car to go to Carrows one evening and this teenage kid tried to take his car, and grandpa nearly knocked him out! He would have punched my ex for leaving me, and honestly I would have loved to see it.

I was really inspired today reading Lynette's MySpace posting of Steph's comments on love. I have a stone that has the word 'patience' written on it, and I think I'll carry it in my pocket!

Posted byKarma at Monday, February 26, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: life

feeling a helluva lot better
Saturday, February 10, 2007

Went to meditation class this evening, feeling grounded now. Focus on the present, I think, for the time being, as I get pretty dark and panicky if I go too far into the future.

As the roots of a plant anchor it in the ground and give it stability, the knowledge of one's cultural and spiritual heritage gives a sure foundation on which to build one's sense of identity...

Posted byKarma at Saturday, February 10, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: being

recipe
Thursday, February 1, 2007

ingredients:

• 1 heart
• very very sharp knife
• pair of gloves
• jiffy bag, pre-addressed
• phone
  

1. phone courier, arrange for a pick-up at 2pm sharp. Pre-pay.
2. at 1:45pm go to kitchen. Put gloves on.
3. place 2 fingers to the left of breast bone.
4. exhale completely, and place tip of knife to the left of two fingers, holding with both hands.
5. inhale sharply, at the same time driving knife deep into chest.
6. twist knife into a careful circle, counterclockwise, the shape of a small fist.
7. using right hand, carefully scoop out heart, discarding small bone fragments.
8. place in pre-addressed jiffy bag.
9. go to front door, place bag outside of front door, close door.
   

don't worry. it wont really hurt. it's only physical pain.

Posted byKarma at Thursday, February 01, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: darkness

snow!
Wednesday, January 24, 2007

I ambled sleepily to the french windows this morning, tea in hand and pushed back the curtains to find the garden full of snow! Only a few inches, but fresh and beautiful. I wish I hadn't given the camera away, I would take a picture!

Good news, I think I have found a new place, with a lovely friend who I have done shows with, who is a vicar, so I would be living in the vicarage! Big house, lovely dining room and garden, the furniture in the lounge is really really old fashioned but I suppose appropriate for him to meet the old parishioners. Oh and a sheepdog, no cat (!) but a nice sheepdog and I would feel safe with him in the house if alone, I suppose. He is 12, so pretty mellow, maybe I could push for a cat later, I think a cat would revive his youth...

Posted byKarma at Wednesday, January 24, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: seasons

popspiration
Thursday, January 18, 2007

Thanks to reading everyone's spine-chingling pop culture moments at the Roundtable, I finally found the title of my favourite Stevie Wonder song - the chorus has been chasing around in my head on and off for ages. I am going to go out and buy the cd. I just love the lyrics:

Posted byKarma at Thursday, January 18, 2007 0 comments  

Labels: music

no longer anonymous
Sunday, January 14, 2007

I want to form a women's group. This idea has been at the back of my mind for years now, but really coming forward as I have been reading so many self help books lately. So many people I know have read the books and watched the films and have been inspired. But for how long? I find the words stay with me for a day, a few days perhaps. I have participated in singing workshops, drama workshops, healing workshops, meditation groups, and find that their energetic imprint goes deeper, and longer-lasting. But there is usually a high cost involved. Worth it, once every 6 months or year, but I would love to have this input once a week! Why does one have to be a recovering Alcoholic to get such amazing support? Why have we isolated ourselves so much from our community?

I am going through a challenging time, as you all know. And you all have been amazing, I just wish I could speak with you more often, and in person. The energy of being all together in a group, all committed to self-growth is amazing. So I want to start this conversation. Maybe it is happening on the web somewhere, but if not it should be. Maybe I should found it... like MySpace, but NOT about advertising your band, or dating, or some of the other lovely but different hobbies/common interest groups. Where you could put in your postal code or zip code and find a group in your area to meet and talk on a weekly or fortnightly basis. Basically free, or just money to cover drinks/tea and healthy snacks. And the groups I guess would vary according to that community's/member's needs. But I want my group to be:

• Female only to start, around 10 people, sort of 30's and above.
• Women really 'on the path' of self-growth, pro-actively learning to know and love their true selves with stories to tell about their paths, eg discussing books they are reading and really digesting (doing the exercises and meditations in the books and/or thinking/writing/discussing themes)
• Taking responsibility for their physical health, with a healthy diet,exercise, using holistic and conventional medicine as appropriate
• Willing to listen without judgment, also able to speak one's own truth, look at things positively, also able to be angry or sad but try to recognise when anger and sadness are a healthy release and when it is attention seeking or remaining stuck or control or fear of freedom.
  

I will find or create a group like this within the next 6 months.

Posted byKarma at Sunday, January 14, 2007 1 comments  

Labels: goals