a call for help
Saturday, December 8, 2007
I want to find my father, Stephen Kloetzer (b. 1950 or 1951 in Ventura). I don't know where or how. Everytime I have asked my mother over the years she has brought up the fact that he is 'a schizophrenic'. Or attacked herself for having no information, she thinks he has another child, and he has a sister. I am afraid always to ask her over the years, not wanting to upset her. I mention it to my adopted father. He offers to help, which I am touched by, but how do I ask him directly? I really have come to love my adopted father and understand him and forgive him for our struggles over the years. But pieces of my life puzzle are missing. My hairdresser told me I should 'go to the town in France where your grandmother was born and see how it feels. And it really stuck when he said this. My grandfather is/was German, maybe this is why I picked up the language so quickly. I always felt drawn towards Germany and France. Other friends tell me that this is something I have to do before I can sort the rest of my life out - like my lovelife for one. One psychic friend (it seems so many friends are) says maybe I don't need to meet him yet he is the one who speaks of the missing pieces to my puzzle, I know these pieces are missing, holding me back, from getting to the next stage of my life. I think, I can do this on my own - I have encouragement from friends. I try the internet. I find an address, go there, no one. I think at one point I may have found my grandfather's name (Walter?) I write a letter. Just before I post it I check the net again - whoever that person was, they died in 1982 (born in 1913). I am crushed. Are my natural paternal grandparents dead? Will I ever know where they came from? Can I somehow see my father? I want to know if I resemble him, what he is like. I feel so hopeless, I am so tired of being on my own, always being strong, positive. I am asking the universe to help me. I just cant do it on my own anymore.
Posted byKarma at Saturday, December 08, 2007 1 comments
Labels: family
daddy
what good are my eyes if I cannot see him?
what good are my ears if I do not listen deeply enough?
what good is this heart if it sighs only for romance and does not know true love?
what good is this spirit, stubborn, broken, trying and failing, falling, fallen.
Posted byKarma at Saturday, December 08, 2007 0 comments
secret-ed beliefs
Friday, November 23, 2007
In the next year I will
~ be working in an environment where I believe that I have no stress and tons of fun
~ feel I make a difference and am fantastically well paid
~ be juggling my timetable to fit in seeing all of my friends and loved ones
~ be singing in an environment that gives me great joy and connects me spiritually
~ feel a grounded and spiritually nurturing connection with a group
~ let go and feel healed and forgiving
Posted byKarma at Friday, November 23, 2007 0 comments
household shopping
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Bought today for new apartment:
13" skillet
Spatula
Set of 4 champagne flutes
Single red wine glass (they only had one of the one I liked)
Wooden spoon (bamboo wood)
Sustainable bamboo wood cutting board (acutally bought it yesterday but wanted to mention that I am trying to buy ethically produced goods)
Cafe Paris teacup and two saucers to complete newly bought set of dishes
Mushroom brush and mushroom slicer
Posted byKarma at Tuesday, November 20, 2007 1 comments
Labels: home
Thanks Guys!
Saturday, November 17, 2007
for completely hooking me up! I am now living in the most amazing little cottage, in the heart of Gourmet Ghetto, Berkeley. Foodie's paradise - my fridge is full of organic veg and fruit from the Thursday farmers market (the whole market is organic), Andronicos and Elephant Pharm and the corner market for staples (there is also a Safeway but I would rather spend more and eat better) there are at least 3 serious coffeehouses within 5 minutes walk (only one is a chain - Peets - but a good chain), a juice collective, a cheeseboard collective, an authentic jewish deli, oh, and a european wine store 3 doors down - I have to stop now - I won't even start on the restaurants yet...
The only drawback so far is the tummyache in the middle of the night lately from overeating - I just get too excited and want to try everything right away!
Posted byKarma at Saturday, November 17, 2007 0 comments
when waiting is the hardest choice
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Thanks to Yannick for this inspiring quote, from Meditations for Women, http://www.meditationsforwomen.com/dailys/464879.html
Are you facing a difficult time in your life?
Give yourself the gift of patience.
Patience is the main ingredient necessary to get through difficult times.
Yes, its hard to be patient! But without patience, you would have no hope.
And if the universe was organized so that your desires materialized instantly,
that wouldn't serve you either.
Patience helps you grow.
It nourishes both compassion and empathy.
So embrace patience - ultimately it makes you stronger.
Posted byKarma at Wednesday, November 07, 2007 1 comments
Labels: changes
Happy Halloween
Friday, November 2, 2007
Posted byKarma at Friday, November 02, 2007 1 comments
wildfires
Sunday, October 21, 2007
This is my parent's front and back yard at 3pm today. There are crazy wildfires all over southern California - Malibu, Santa Rosa, Piru, Fillmore - the closest is around 20 miles away, unfortunately a few homes are threatened and a big castle burned in Malibu, but local web news says only brush has burned closer to us. Mom is all stressed out, and trying to find local news (it mostly talks of Malibu). I am just capturing the changing colours with my camera. I usually love the smell of bonfires, but there is so much ash falling and strong winds, it burns the eyes. Posted byKarma at Sunday, October 21, 2007 1 comments
Labels: home
http://www.elephantpharm.com/. Check 'em out. I start working in the Berkeley store on 30th October. Berkeley is the 'Covent Garden' of the company (NYR peeps know what I'm sayin' - for non NYR peeps, Berkeley is the 'mothership' of the company) except they are 20 times bigger. Seriously folks, America is a BIG country. It will take me a lifetime to try every healthy/alternative/organic product. Heaven.
I'd like to live walking distance from work - this area of Berkeley is actually called Gourmet Ghetto. And I will happily donate a fair portion of my income to this foodie's paradise. There is an organic farmer's market every Thursday, in addition to every amazing restaurant and specialty food shop you could imagine. Today I had caramalized onion, pear, and blue cheese pizza at cheeseboard, while listening to a fantastic live jazz trio (free live jazz every day).
Have I sold it to all of you already? Play the visa lottery and come live here, we could build a big commune!
Seriously, I don't care that rent has quadrupled since I lived here. I believe. And I lived just 6 blocks from this area years ago, so the squirrels remember me and they will fix me up.
Posted byKarma at Thursday, October 18, 2007 1 comments
Labels: new job
back home?
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Tonight I watched the first 3 episodes of season 1 (new series) of Dr Who with my family. I knew my dad would love it. My awesome friend Kenneth turned me on to Dr Who (I am in California now Kenneth, so I get to use words like awesome).
I feel a bit like the character Rose in the first few episodes, sort of :
Where the hell am I?
But, hey, this is exciting, I love adventure!
Who knows what is around the corner? should I be worried?
No! I am not afraid! I am brave! Carpe diem!
But I am homesick! wait... I am home?!? wait... where am I?'
Posted byKarma at Sunday, October 07, 2007 1 comments
Labels: home
chocolate chip cookies ARE good for the soul
Saturday, July 14, 2007
I came home from work last night and made chocolate chip cookies for dinner. I was of course pretty wired from the sugar, which was great because it helped me with my packing (I am moving to house sit at a friends in a few weeks) and getting rid of things (I am moving back to CALIFORNIA in October) and was a lovely chocolate hug 'you can do it girl!' I did a nice colour meditation before bed, fell asleep around 1230am, woke with a full spinning head around 630am but thought, 'its ok if I don't fall back asleep, but I would like to, and to have nice dreams'. I did fall back asleep, and dreamt I was at my parent's house, petting their lovely cats and kittens!
I woke up sleepy, with a smile on my face. I am now eating my porridge (porridge, like broccoli, absolves one of all food sins, nourishes nerves, high in B vits, great for High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, stress, balances blood sugar levels, will even hoover your carpet and dust your furniture if you ask it politely).
Its grey and warm, I think the sun will come out in the afternoon!
Posted byKarma at Saturday, July 14, 2007 1 comments
Labels: indulgence
post holiday blah
Thursday, June 14, 2007
It is so hard to come back to reality. I am currently rewarding myself for all my completed tasks with fresh brewed ginger ice tea and organic lemon biscuits.
Completed:
- Read and replied to post. Takes up to 6 months.
- Rearranged furniture and cleaned room (my usual coping mechanism, completed before task #1)
- Opened, filed and organised post
- Did 2 loads of laundry
Nero 7 trial. Downloaded it in hopes of being able to make CDs. A simple task, I would think, but I am stuck. All I want to do is save a bunch of my CDs to my hard drive, with the names of the individual songs listed, so I can later go to 'my music', pick songs and make compilation CDs. Tried using Windows media player and Nero and got totally confused, felt like a computer idiot.
Recovered a bit with:
Updating and adding a bunch of my favourite pages to my blog. It really was only simple cut and paste into the HTML, but it made me feel better!
Looking forward to:
Dancing tonight at Thames Rowing Club!
Posted byKarma at Thursday, June 14, 2007 1 comments
Labels: blah
felicite
Monday, June 11, 2007
A gourmet day:
Listening to the passion and enthusiasm of the owner of Chateau Joliet as he described the alchemy of wine making - did you know they use fire and water to shape the wine barrels?
Discovering a grape variety I had never heard of - Negrette - dark ruby, floral, smooth.
A visit to the midaevil village Cordes Sur Ciel.
A superb dinner on the terrace of Bistrot Tonin'ty, under a 300 year-old wisteria.
Roasted rack of lamb with lavender, thyme, garlic, courgette and carrot flan.
Rognon de veau flambé au Cognac sauce moutarde à l'ancienne, garniture printanière.
Tarte fine aux pommes, compotée de rhubarbe et glace cannelle.
Mi-cuit au chocolat et glace pain d'épices.
The cinnamon and gingerbread ice creams were so incredible we asked for a second helping.
French coffee, noir, a perfectly smooth taste of bitter.
An evening stroll through the cobbled streets.
the quiet peace, the heat and the sensuality of the evening.
Posted byKarma at Monday, June 11, 2007 0 comments
Labels: epicurious
je suis pompette
Saturday, June 2, 2007
Right. Was out with a sweet friend Lin, at a lovely wine bar. Only three glasses (plus a few sips of tasting)... what a light weight, no?
Super evening, talking, catching up... reminiscing about the lovely weekend in Montpellier and so looking forward to Toulouse next week. Funny, never thought I'd be a Francophile, but then je suis arrive et instantement une 'fan'... (that is probably all not real French, no matter). I just loved the people, the way they thought about things, their courtesy (greet and kiss everyone in a group when you arrive), the food (aperitif, entree, course, vin, cafe), the history, the atmosphere... Why has so much architecture and art and history in France survived the war? Did they see that playing the game, eg, accepting the situation, however atrocious, served a longer term goal of preserving art, culture, buildings, history?
Just a tipsy question...
Posted byKarma at Saturday, June 02, 2007 1 comments
Labels: culture
my cat
Sunday, May 13, 2007
When I get home to SF I am getting one of these. Orange and white stripeys are the coolest.
Posted byKarma at Sunday, May 13, 2007 1 comments
Labels: cats
get me outta here now
Saturday, May 5, 2007
What the hell am I doing in this country? After a boring day at work, where I was the only one to sell a 'bundle' (latest promo) half-heartedly at the end of the day, I decided to get a 'burrito' takeaway. Because my landlord (I live in a bed-sit/roommate type situation) is having colleagues/friends for dinner this evening, and I don't want to be in the kitchen. I really wanted to go out, but of course this is one evening everyone is busy, and I thought, great, I can hang out in my room, add some stuff to my MySpace page, watch a film, relax. I look in the phone book - 2 listings under 'Mexican', one I have been to and it was rubbish. So I go to the second place to pick up my 2 vegie burritos for £8.95 (yes, thats about $15). There are 2 containers. I open the top one, it is full of chips. Not tortilla chips, noooo, English chips, about a double order of McDonalds size fries.
"Excuse me, I didn't order these..."
"Oh, it comes with chips."
I hazard a request: "You wouldn't happen to have TORTILLA chips, would you?"
She looks at me, a bit confused. "No, sorry."
I tasted a few of the chips on my way home. Yup, just like McDonalds, tho less salt. I came home, parked and put the chips under my car to discard later (I don't want my bedroom smelling of chips), go upstairs and try the burritos. Two smallish flour tortillas, filled with what looks and tastes like a bland tomato based pasta sauce, with a few mange tout, carrots, tomato chunks, maybe a bit of onion. A couple of jalapenos dot the top of the burritos, along with more tomato sauce, and a glowing green tasteless avocado based creamy paste. (I skipped the cheese and sour'ed cream.) I put some plain yogurt on it, and ate it quickly.
This tragic experience is spurring me to move now. Why the hell wait till the Autumn? The only real joy right now is dancing, and seeing friends. And I have both in SF.
Posted byKarma at Saturday, May 05, 2007 2 comments
Labels: life
Broccoli is God
Monday, April 30, 2007
I have great faith in the ability of broccoli to absolve me from all food and drink sins. I went into the zone at Waitrose today, thinking of which veg to get to make mr broccoli really yummy. Oh, I succeeded. Foodie bliss.
- Your favourite breed of rice
- 1 biggish broccoli
- 1 butternut squash (I attacked it first with the bread knife, chopping it roughly because its so damn hard)
- 1/2 bulb garlic
- Red onion, also attacked with bread knife
Take the veg out, chop it and mixed it all together while separately steaming the broccoli and boiling the rice.
Add 3 sprigs of fresh marjoram to the olive oil reserves in the veg pan, turn up the heat a bit and caramelize the marjoram.
Mix it all together and eat too much because it tastes so damn good.
Posted byKarma at Monday, April 30, 2007 0 comments
Labels: epicurious
newsworthy
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Ok. I am trying to read the news again. A bit at least, the important stuff.
Posted byKarma at Tuesday, April 24, 2007 0 comments
Labels: news
an english spring
Thursday, April 19, 2007
April is a lovely month to be in the south of England. The greenhouse effect has particularly favoured us this month, it was hot enough on Monday to sunbathe (and I happened to have the day off), and the past couple of days have been sunny and pleasant.
The wisteria are not flowering yet, but the leaves and branches are climbing up my window. I have a view of the garden, and like to watch the fox sleeping just through the cut doorway in the hedge. There is large pile of brown grass which he sleeps on, encircled and head tucked in, and he blends in perfectly. As I savour my jasmine tea, he raises his head, yawns lazily, tucks his head back in.
Today I have a Gilbert and Sullivan performance with WWOS, singing about 6 arias and ensembles, and a bunch of chorus numbers from most of the G&S operas. My favourite, which I am singing for the first time, is the madrigal from Mikado. Should be fun.
Posted byKarma at Thursday, April 19, 2007 0 comments
Labels: seasons
descent
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
my castle is crumbling. I am bereft, treading water,h esitant.
what of dance? my muse, tonight, she was aloof.
perhaps it is the venue - or is it england? the english?
too careful, too contained, too polite.
clawing my way into cat's corner, trying desperately to collect and store names, faces.
no, its ok, be business, make connections, set up a blues night, administrate, organise.
they will not love me more if I am a better dancer
would they even deserve it? most of them are simply skilled, clever.
I see very little light in the room
only my first lead, surely african and not english
sigh, perhaps I am overtired,
but I feel something is lacking here, in this place
Posted byKarma at Tuesday, April 10, 2007 0 comments
Labels: changes
